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We share an office together. I think you're beautiful and sexy. I don't know how many times I've fantasizes about closing our office door, throwing you on your desk, and having amazing sex with you. I doubt you will read this. If you think it's you, tell me your initials.
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Romance Is In The Air
I am a single guy who is looking for a special woman. The woman who fits my high standards will benefit from a love that is only written about in story book romances and only seen in major motion pictures starring Hollywood heart throbs. Everyday will be Valentine’s Day for a lucky lady.
I have had my fair share of relationships, and after my experiences (and by observing the relationships of my friends) I think I have pinpointed the things I desire the most in a woman.
Qualities I am looking for include:
You must have unattainable idealistic notions about relationships and romance. Preferably, you should have learned about relationships from watching romantic comedies or reading Twighlight novels. After getting into a serious relationship, I would love it if you would resent me for not being able to fulfill your unrealistic expectations and turn into a passive-aggressive she-monster.
If love is a battlefield, then I want to get hit by your friendly fire.
Terrible at communication and extremely conflict avoidant?….move to the front of the line…… I don’t even want your counselor to know what the frick is going on in that head of yours. Life is too short to not have the privilege and pleasure of guessing just what in the heck you need, and waiting for you to explode in anger for something I did months ago that I already apologized for.
Love=you never having to say “you’re sorry”. Love=you never letting me forget how sorry I should still be.
I want a woman who says she is looking for a “nice guy” who will treat her with respect, encourage and empower her to reach her full potential, and who will remain faithful. Once we enter into an LTR, I only ask that you please be willing to find the biggest “d-bag” possible and cheat on me with him. Note: I prefer those special women who have the special ability to find d-bags that most likely have STDs.
I believe that indecisiveness and extreme insecurity are natural aphrodisiacs.
Be willing to initiate talk of “marriage” way to early in the relationship and then freak out when I come to the same place emotionally and begin expressing the same sentiments. Note: looking for a woman who will cease communicating with me at this point (i.e. not take my s, de-friend me on facebook, etc…).
Please have a history of imploding like a dying planet when having to deal with reality, responsibility, and difficult decisions.
Complain constantly about life’s circumstances and make no effort to change them. I am particularly attracted to “Debbie Downers” with “the grass is always greener syndrome”, who will make a long term commitment to talking about going back to school every 2 years, or speak of changing careers and never follow through. Note: this is a lot to ask, so I am also interested in women who will quit their jobs or make other such terrible decisions at the slightest discontented whim, and allow me to have endless conversations with them about how scared they are because they now can’t pay their bills, how life isn’t fair, and how God must hate them because they have to deal with the consequences of their decision.
Unwillingness to work on your issues while pointing out all of mine is a must.
I want a woman who loves drama. I’m not talking about dramatic movies starring Oscar winning actors such as Julia Roberts and Morgan Freeman. I want a woman who is a flaming inferno of irrationality sparked by life’s smallest of unfavorable circumstances. Someone give you a dirty look at the grocery store?... I want you to crawl into bed for three days sobbing. Rita at the office doesn’t like the way you made the coffee?...I expect at least 3 tear filled s and a text telling me how you just cut off all your hair in the bathroom. This will keep our relationship unpredictable and exciting.
Have some direction in life?….boring.
I would prefer a woman who values family and is close to hers. There is one catch; when meeting your family for the first time, I will expect to see the look of concern in their eyes that communicates…”poor boy, he doesn’t have any idea what’s coming”. This should be followed by them making veiled humorous references to your past relationships and you squirming uncomfortably. Don’t fret, if by chance your family gets attached to me at some point and pulls me aside to bluntly tell me that I should run for the hills, I will disregard their advice believing that love can conquer all.
I am the titanic looking for my iceberg. I am a Lincoln who is looking for his Mary Todd. I am a thirsty man wondering in the desert, and I am longing for a refreshing drink from love’s poisoned well.
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